How to upset your Gym Instructor.

A friend of mine once said, “Never upset your wife, your dentist or your gym instructor.”

It’s sound advice I feel, so here is my humorous look at gym etiquette.

Essential Kit!

Essential Kit!

Don’t eat before you work-out..
If you pass out with hypoglycaemia and bang your head on the treadmill, I will have to clean up the blood.
Plus, I am duty bound to give you my flapjack to get your blood sugar back up. You will pay for this in the future.

No, it does not make you lift more. It makes you sound stupid. Especially those grunts you do after each rep. They sound like you are having sex.

Chew gum..
As you breathe more heavily you may inhale it. Then you choke, go blue etc. I have to revive you with mouth to mouth. Thing is, you are really ugly and have a beard. Plus you are all sweaty and smell a bit. I don’t want to, but I’d rather you didn’t die on my shift..

Be late for your appointment..
We have people booked in after you who probably run their diaries more effectively. When they say 12.30 they mean 12.30. In fact, they will probably be early. So for me to over-run by 5-10 minutes because you are late leaves the next person waiting for 15-20 minutes.  No fair!

Leave hair/litter/paper towels in the changing rooms for us to clean up..
We are fitness professionals, not cleaners. We take pride in our club and so will clean up any mess there is. There would be less mess if you cleaned up after you.

Leave dumbbells in the wrong place..
The wrong place on the rack is bad enough, leaving them on the floor is just wrong. If you are big enough to lift them, you are big enough to put them back. It looks a mess and it is dangerous too.

Clang the weights..
There is really no need. It achieves nothing, and besides, each time you let the weights touch you are resting the muscles. We are here to train the muscles, not rest them.

Don’t wipe your sweat up..
It’s disgusting, unhygienic and inconsiderate.

Be rude or patronising..
If you are rude to us we will thrash you until your eyes bleed. We know that you have too much ego to give up or ask us for a lower level. We will keep putting the level up until your lungs pop out of your ass.

Ignore our good advice and “do your own thing”..
If I wanted to know about cars I would ask a mechanic. I am a fitness professional. I know best.

Oggle at the girls and lurk around them..
We will ask you to stop and you will be very embarrassed.

Leave your stuff in the locker overnight/for the whole week..
It is not your personal locker. We have just enough lockers and to claim one causes us problems. We have a spare key ad will remove your stuff. If you do not claim it, it goes to Oxfam.

Wear dirty footwear..
If you notice a pile of dirt behind your treadmill that means your shoes were dirty. We noticed this and so will have to get the dust buster out. Once is a mistake. Every morning is annoying.

Don’t wash..
We have a three-stage process to deal with this.
Stage one – We leave a “Gym Etiquette” notice in the changing rooms reminding people to be aware of their personal hygiene. Are you sure that it was not you who prompted this notice?
Stage Two– “Strewth George, you must be training hard! Here, use my deodorant.”
Stage Three. – “George, you stink. Use deodorant and have a shower before training please.”

Do freaky weird exercises that are dangerous..
I don’t care who taught you to do it that way, it is wrong. If people copy you they may get hurt. Not in my gym. Not on my watch.  Safety first!

Make lame excuses..
I know you have lapsed and would like to help. But trying to address each of your excuses is hard work. You are never going to admit to your shortcomings in attendance. You will justify yourself to the hilt. I can’t help you.  How about we just make a fresh start?

Poop in the pool..
I have to get it out, and when I find out whose it is I will return it. We know it was an adult; it is adults only on Wednesdays.

Ask us to play your crap music..
Only you like it. Everyone else will complain. Get an iPod.

Complain about the music..
Yes, we know it is crap. We don’t even like dance music, but we play it for the beat. It is the most accepted music in gyms. We will never please everyone. This is the lowest common denominator.

Make/take mobile phone calls in the gym..
This is a leisure environment. This is your leisure time; so stop working! I know you have an important call coming in. Just hide your phone and put it on vibrate. Answer it as you are leaving the gym. That’s the polite thing to do.

Do unmentionables in the saunas..
Again, I have to clean it up.

Not thank us when you reach your goals..
Of course, the result is entirely your doing, but we like to feel appreciated.

Fart in the gym..
We know it was you.

First Published – Motley Fool


~ by Tony's Desk on September 23, 2008.

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